Top Ten Parenting Tips: Learn Which Strategies Behavior Therapists Actually Use at Home

Sarah

Hey everyone, welcome back to The Well: A Parent Resource Library. I’m Sarah Olivo, and as always, I’m here with the ever-wise Karen Mitchell. Today, we’re diving into some of my favorite territory: what does it actually look like to parent with flexibility, compassion, and real values—instead of just chasing all those “shoulds” that creep into our heads, especially when we’re exhausted and maybe a little cranky. Sound familiar, Karen?

Karen Mitchell

Ha, Sarah, more familiar than I’d like to admit! I mean, if I had a dollar for every “should” or “why don’t you just” running through my mind by dinnertime, I’d be set for life. But honestly, I used to get caught up trying to pick the “right” approach—do we need more structure, more understanding, is this the time to stand firm or let something slide? There was a bit of a pendulum swing there for me.

Sarah

Totally the pendulum! You know, as a clinical psychologist, I see families come in, and everyone is wondering if they need to be super strict or super easygoing. And the research consistently says the extremes—whether it’s laissez-faire or “my-way-or-the-highway”—just set everyone up for frustration. What really helps, and I remind myself of this as a parent too, is aiming for a flexibility sweet spot. Not that I always hit it; just ask my kids after a long screen-filled Saturday—flexibility doesn’t always win!

Karen Mitchell

Right, and that’s where the self-compassion piece comes in, isn’t it? It’s so tempting to judge ourselves for every tiny parenting miss—oh no, did I just yell about shoes again? But treating yourself the way you’d hope your kids would treat themselves—kindness, a little forgiveness, and maybe even a sense of humor—goes a long way. Kids notice how we react when we mess up, and it genuinely teaches them how to handle their own mistakes. You’re modeling healthy self-talk when you catch yourself thinking, “Ugh, this day is a train wreck,” and you say aloud, “Okay, I got overwhelmed, but I can take a breath, start over.” That’s powerful.

Sarah

Exactly. And, you know, modeling that self-compassion for our kids is, honestly, half the battle—it’s not about never making mistakes but, instead, responding to ourselves with that “Hey, I’m human, and it’s okay.” I know when I slip up, like reacting out of habit or letting comparison creep in—oh, I should be like that mom who always seems patient on Instagram. But that’s when I try to pause and ask myself, “Wait, am I parenting from my values, or am I just scrambling because I feel like I should be doing something else?”

Karen Mitchell

Yeah, values-based parenting. I like to think of it as using your family’s core compass. Forget what the neighbors are doing, or what some book said last year—what really matters in your home? It’s easy to inherit a stack of “shoulds” from childhood or social media, but when you get honest about your real priorities—even if it’s just three big ones—it’s so much easier to respond intentionally. I always tell parents: what feels like integrity to YOU is worth more than ticking some parenting checklist.

Sarah

And honestly, sometimes when I’m tired, or my bandwidth is thin, that’s when I notice myself slipping into “should” territory–like, well, I should make everyone finish their vegetables, even though our value is really about enjoying family dinner and conversation, not perfect nutrition every single night. Catching that, and readjusting, has helped me let go of a lot of unnecessary guilt. And like you said, embracing the mess and the learning—because we’re all works in progress—takes so much pressure off.

Karen Mitchell

Speaking of pressure, one thing that always helped lower mine was just learning to categorize behaviors—the old “ABC” buckets: A for the non-negotiables, B for collaborative, and C for the things you can occasionally let go. I wish I’d figured that out sooner. I used to get stuck reacting to everything, especially on those days when my daughter’s whining just grates on my nerves. If I’d addressed every little thing, I’d have been nagging from sunup to sundown! Sometimes you’ve got to pick your moment, right?

Sarah

Oh, absolutely. I mean, if every sock on the floor or every sassy comment got my full attention, I wouldn’t have time to actually parent—I’d just be policing. When I started thinking about “A” behaviors, those non-negotiables—safety stuff, respect, like the really foundational rules—it helped me let go of sweating all the small stuff. “B” behaviors are for negotiation: maybe screen time, or how chores get done. And then those “C” behaviors... sometimes, you have to let them float on by, for everyone’s sanity!

Karen Mitchell

Yeah... and that “letting go” isn’t always easy, but it’s kind of liberating. I mean, for me, the real “aha” moment was realizing that being proactive—choosing my battles upfront—didn’t mean I was a pushover. It meant I had energy left for the moments that actually matter. And when parents can align on those priorities? Game changer. I’ll admit, though, even knowing this stuff, every so often I catch myself about to make an empty threat... like “Do your homework or no birthday party”—I know I’m not pulling that off!

Sarah

I’m guilty too! It’s so much easier said than done, right? I’ve definitely threatened to “cancel the trip”—and then immediately thought, There’s no way I’m actually following through. And what gets reinforced in those moments? Kids know. If we say it’s their responsibility, but then we step in and do it for them—like finishing that school project or picking up the clothes after a huge lecture—we’re reinforcing avoidance, not responsibility. And honestly, we’re rewarding ourselves with a break from fighting. It’s a tough cycle to break.

Karen Mitchell

Exactly! And that’s where the 80/20 rule makes so much sense—if you’re always catching your child doing something wrong, the vibe gets heavy. But if you flip it: focus 80% of your energy on catching them doing things well, and save only 20% for correction, you flip the whole dynamic. I think of it as “shiny candy” versus “cracked candy”—kids, like all of us, want authentic positive attention, but they’ll take negative attention over nothing. Might as well give out the shiny stuff more often, right?

Sarah

Totally. I try to make a point of praising those little wins—“Thanks for putting your shoes near the door,” or “I noticed you asked instead of grabbing.” It’s way easier to build new habits by focusing on what you want to see more of, rather than harping on what you don’t. And if you’re listening, maybe try Karen’s phone call trick: instead of shushing your kid when you’re on the phone, tell them, “Hey, thanks for being so patient while I finish this call.” It shifts everything! Even if it feels weird at first.

Karen Mitchell

And don’t forget, the buckets aren’t static. What counts as a big deal might change week to week, or even hour to hour, depending on everyone’s mood, the situation, or your child’s age. The key thing is to keep being proactive and to let yourself adapt—without getting stuck in guilt if you bend sometimes. We’re all just trying to move the needle forward, even if it isn’t a straight line.

Sarah

So, if there’s one skill to rule them all, I kind of think it’s “show, don’t tell.” Modeling is everything—if you’ve ever caught yourself telling your kid “calm down,” while you’re clearly flustered, you know what I mean! For me, if I can take a loud, deep breath in the middle of a meltdown, or literally say out loud, “Hang on, I’m about to lose my cool so I’m stepping away for a second”—that does more than any lecture ever will. Sometimes, I’ll even narrate my thoughts: “I’m having that worried thought again, but it’s probably not as big a deal as it feels.” I know that sounds a little therapist-y, but the kids actually pick it up. Once my son told me during a bedtime rush, “I feel so pressured,” and I was like... right, that’s my line! But also, proud parent moment right there.

Karen Mitchell

Yes! I love when kids use the skills we model—even if it means pointing out our stress in real time. And beyond feelings, it’s about the mindset you’re modeling too. Like, instead of “you’re so smart,” I’m learning to praise effort or little strategies: “You really worked hard preparing for that math test.” It’s such a subtle shift, but I swear it’s been a game changer. If our praise lands only on “being smart” or some fixed trait, what happens when things get tough? Suddenly, they’re not sure who they are. But if you’re emphasizing hard work, practice, creativity—they start to believe growth is always possible.

Sarah

That’s so true. And I’ll admit, I used to default to that “you’re smart” label. But, like you said, kids who grow up thinking “success = smart” can totally freeze when they hit something challenging. If I catch my son practicing a math problem, messing up, and trying again, that’s what I praise—even more than the right answer. Helps him, helps me, honestly. Also, I’ve found it’s so important to hold back with advice sometimes, especially as kids get older. I try to ask, “Do you want ideas, or do you just need me to listen right now?” Sometimes I get “nope, just listening, please” and I have to zip my mouth—which is harder than it sounds!

Karen Mitchell

Right? There are days my daughter will actually remind me: “Mom, I don’t want advice, just want you to listen.” And it’s a good reminder that, as they get older, our role shifts. We go from manager—setting curfews, making sure lunchboxes make it out the door—to consultant. They might not want your fixes, but knowing you’re there, modeling empathy, and owning your own mistakes? It’s the long game. Even saying “I was too harsh just then, that wasn’t fair,” shows them how to repair a relationship. Not a skill I saw much growing up, but I hope my kids see it and think, “Oh, adults can apologize, too.”

Sarah

I think that’s really the heart of it, isn’t it? We all have rough days—sometimes compassion and flexibility win out, sometimes not. But focusing on what we model—emotion regulation, real-time effort, a willingness to listen, and owning our missteps—helps lay the foundation for resilience and authentic connection. And if you’re raising a strong-willed or particularly sensitive kid, you just get a lot more practice! Karen, I feel like we could talk about this all day. But we should probably wrap here—any final words?

Karen Mitchell

Just that, if today reminded you of a past episode, or inspired new questions, we’re always here for more of these conversations. There are no perfect parents, so let’s just keep building community, one honest, messy win at a time. Sarah, always great talking with you—thanks for sharing your stories and wisdom.

Sarah

Same to you, Karen. And thanks to everyone listening—take good care of yourselves, give yourself some kindness, and we’ll catch you next time on The Well. Bye Karen!

Karen Mitchell

Bye, Sarah! Bye everyone—talk soon.