Press Pause on Perfectionism

Sarah

Hi everyone, welcome back to The Well: A Parent Resource Library. I’m Sarah Olivo, joined as always by Karen Mitchell. And today, we’re diving into a big topic—and one that comes up a lot both in my practice and, honestly, just in my own head—perfectionism. But not just how it feels—we’re looking at it through the lens of CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy. Karen, I was just thinking, when you and I talked about emotional regulation last episode, perfectionism popped up behind the scenes, right? The whole, “I shouldn’t feel this way, I should always have it together,” vibe.

Karen Mitchell

Oh, absolutely, Sarah. It’s like perfectionism is the little voice that’s constantly critiquing, “You could have done that better,” or “If you mess this up, everyone will notice.” And honestly, the academic environment seems to feed into this for so many kids—I see it with students every day. But can you walk us through the basics first: how CBT explains the cycle of perfectionism?

Sarah

Sure! So, in CBT we’re always looking at the link between our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviors. With perfectionism, it often starts with sticky thoughts—maybe, “If I don’t get this exactly right, I’ll let people down.” That thought creates a feeling—anxiety, shame, maybe panic. And then the behavior follows: over-preparing, procrastinating, or just… freezing. It’s like a loop, and the risks and benefits of these patterns aren’t always obvious until you zoom out. Some of these “thinking tricks” really trip us up—like mind reading, thinking everyone’s judging us, or fortune telling, assuming the worst will happen if we aren’t perfect.

Karen Mitchell

Yeah, that slide from planning to procrastinating can be so fast. That reminds me of this student I worked with last year—let’s call him Sam. He’d double and triple check every assignment, and then he’d get so anxious about possible mistakes that he couldn’t even get started. We watched his confidence drop, and actually, his grades dipped, too. It’s not just emotional—it’s academic. The emotional cost, that ongoing stress and fear, just feeds the cycle.

Sarah

Totally. And sometimes we forget there are upsides—like, okay, perfectionistic kids care a lot, they work hard. But long-term, those “downsides” often outweigh the short-term pros. We fall into those all-or-nothing patterns—like, “If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure.” The handout from Lumate calls out mind reading, fortune telling, mental filtering… Karen, you ever catch yourself fortune telling? I definitely have, like predicting my own disaster scenarios.

Karen Mitchell

Oh, all the time! And it’s so subtle—sometimes it just feels like prepping for the worst, but really it’s just feeding anxious behaviors. So, if this cycle keeps rolling, it’s no wonder our kids, and honestly us adults, get stuck.

Karen Mitchell

So, how do we break out of that loop? What does flexible thinking really look like when a perfectionistic thought pops up? Sarah, I know Lumate Academy has some really practical tools for this, right?

Sarah

Yeah! My favorite is “putting things in perspective.” There’s a visual exercise where you take a tough situation—like a test gone wrong—and draw a pie chart. Instead of blaming yourself 100% for what happened, you split up that pie into parts: what was actually in your control, what was outside, maybe even just luck. I do this with my own daughter. Last week, she was upset about missing a homework assignment. We sat down and literally drew circles. It’s kind of silly but suddenly she could see, “Hey, I’m not the whole pie. Stuff happens.”

Karen Mitchell

That’s awesome. These tools make it so much more concrete for kids—and adults, honestly. Sometimes asking a straightforward question, like, “What evidence do you really have that this will go badly?” Or, one I love, “Is it really the end of the world if you’re not perfect here?” can unlock a big sigh of relief. I find, especially with teens, they need permission to admit the world won’t explode if it’s not all perfect.

Sarah

And that’s the trick—the questions that slow you down to check the facts, right? Like, “Am I exaggerating? Am I assuming I know what others think?” The Lumate handout has a full list—questions to examine evidence, to shift perspective, even to see if the worry fits reality. Sometimes I’ll ask, “Would you say this to your best friend?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is “Absolutely not,” so why say it to yourself?

Karen Mitchell

Yep. And for those who like structure, the handout gives prompts for examining likelihood too: "How likely is it that this will really happen?" Or, "Is there a pattern, or is this just a one-time thing?" I think anchoring these discussions in routines gives kids—and parents—so much power to start flexing these muscles day-to-day.

Sarah

So, maybe we should pivot to the “everyday stuff.” Not just the theory, but the toolbox. One of the favorites in Lumate’s materials is “worry scheduling.” I know, it sounds counterintuitive, right? You literally set a time—like, from 5:00 to 5:15pm—that’s your official worry time. The goal isn’t to banish worry, but to contain it, so it doesn’t spill into everything. For some kids, especially those who can ruminate endlessly, it’s a little weird at first but so effective.

Karen Mitchell

Yeah, just saying, “You get to worry, but only during this window,” takes the power out of it. And the problem-solving sheets—honestly, I use those with high schoolers and with my own family. It’s a template: Let’s list out all possible solutions, then pros and cons for each. For neurodivergent kids, especially those with ADHD, laying out the steps visually makes big problems feel manageable. The time management worksheet is another must, since perfectionists tend to pile everything on, then freeze and avoid.

Sarah

I use the “Setting Daily Goals” page in my own house, especially during busy seasons. You figure out which tasks are actually “A” tasks—super important—and which are “B” or “C” and can wait or get dropped. It’s permission to not do it all, and honestly, we could all use more of that.

Karen Mitchell

I think the “behavior bullseye” is a game changer for realigning goals around what matters. Can I walk through a quick parent-student example?

Sarah

Please do!

Karen Mitchell

Okay—so, let’s say you have a student who’s stuck in the “I have to do everything perfectly, or else” zone. A parent could sit down and draw the bullseye together: in the center, they list big-picture goals—like being a good friend, learning new things, having fun. In the next rings, you talk about current behaviors. Are they stuck rechecking homework, or missing out on playtime? Then, brainstorm: what’s one tiny step today that moves you closer to those long-term goals, not just the immediate urge to get it “perfect”? It makes the process so much less intimidating.

Sarah

Brilliant. And we should mention obstacles—like, what happens when kids push back, or refuse to delegate because they “have to do it themselves,” or they’re just too afraid to risk disappointing people? That comes up a ton for neurodivergent kids. Sometimes the change starts with scripting it: “How can we say no without guilt, or ask for help, or recognize that disappointment is survivable?”

Karen Mitchell

Absolutely. Even little scripts—like, “I can take a break and nothing terrible will happen,” or “It’s okay to let someone else help”—plant that tiny seed of self-compassion. And for parents, modeling this is so much more powerful than preaching it. Just like we talked about in our parenting and emotions episodes, right, Sarah?

Sarah

Exactly. We don’t have to be perfect parents, just good-enough ones. And those everyday tools—worry time, time management, behavior bullseyes—they’re not magic, but they’re a great starting place. Any last thoughts before we sign off, Karen?

Karen Mitchell

Only that perfectionism’s not a life sentence. These are skills anyone—kids, parents, teachers—can practice, a little at a time. We hope today gave you practical ways to start! Thanks for the chat as always, Sarah.

Sarah

Thank you, Karen. And thank you to everyone listening. Don’t forget to check out our past episodes for more emotional support and ABA fundamentals. We’ll see you next time on The Well. Bye!

Karen Mitchell

Bye everyone!